Blog
Here we pen our stories about our latest activities and our weekly feature on Humans of Medicine. Our team is forever expanding, if you’re interest in contributing to our blog, feel free to contact us.
“I’ve always wanted to be a doctor. Now that I’m not- what am I?”
I had always wanted to be a doctor. My mother was a nurse, and so from a young age, I was already very familiar and comfortable in hospitals. Everyone even called me “doctor” growing up.
Hollywood tells us what a doctor should look like - tireless, self-sacrificing individuals, sleep deprived from working odd shifts, and always ready to serve. The media romanticised burnout and exhaustion. I had this image painted in my head. “It’s good to suffer. You’re suffering for a good cause.”. That was what I grew up with– service before self. I prized selflessness and was prepared to forgo my own wellbeing for someone else’s……
“… When Will the Numbing Effects of a Toxic Working Environment Start To Seep In?”
“Berapa kali perlu saya ulang? Saya sudah bagitahu yang ini ialah kanser dan perlu operation!” (“How many times have I told you? This is cancer and it needs to be operated!”), exclaimed an exasperated specialist, in front of three other doctors and two medical students, as she explained to the wife of a patient with oesophageal cancer that her husband would need surgical intervention the next day……
“ If You Hear About a HO Killing Himself, It Might Be Me.”
I continued working as a HO.
One day, I was called for a meeting with my HO supervisor and the Head of Department (HOD). I remembered very clearly these words, ‘housemanship is very difficult, and some people are just not meant to be doctors’, during the meeting. I was dumbfounded. Not only did they not show any support, but they also insinuated that I was unfit to be a HO. My mental illness was brushed off, and I was branded weak. I felt discouraged and denied justice. Anger welled up inside of me. However, I kept telling myself that everyone is the same, and these people are just the minority……
“My HO Supervisor Still Never Acknowledged My Mental Illness.”
Medical school was a bliss. I enjoyed learning medicine and hanging out with my friends. I was very cheerful. Once I started as a house officer (HO), everything became so different. Suddenly, I was the front liner of all front liners, the first person to see patients before all the other doctors, the one handling the unimaginable and daunting shifts. Yet I continued to push through each day……
“It Was My Duty as a Rakyat To Serve My Beloved Country.”
Let’s start off with a bit of my background. I was a medical officer in the psychiatric department before the pandemic began. When the second Covid-19 wave settled down, just as I was to return to the psychiatric department after my deployment to the frontlines, there was an exponential increase in the number of cases in Sabah. A new epicentre of the Covid-19 outbreak was in the making, and there was the growing possibility of assistance needed in Sabah……
“Is It Because I Have the Term ‘Contract’ in Front of My Title Instead of ‘Permanent’?”
When I first settled down in a new area, I had to make necessary adjustments just like any other Medical Officer (MO) placed outside their territory. Yet despite being placed 1500km away from home, I was not entitled to “Elaun Gangguan” - an allowance given only to permanent MOs from Peninsular Malaysia who are placed in East Malaysia and vice versa. Why am I not granted the allowance? Is it because I have the word “Contract” in front of my title instead of “Permanent”? I’ve worked as hard as the permanent MOs to graduate from medical school, to complete my housemanship and now to continue my job as a doctor, only to be met with these discouraging hurdles……
“Why Are We Paid Less but Asked to Do So Much More?”
When I was a final year medical student, I gave in to peer pressure and applied for an internship in Australia. I did it half-heartedly, thinking that I wanted to stay in Malaysia and serve the people here. I continued with housemanship, which was relatively bearable, but my commencement as a contract medical officer (MO) made me realise that I had to do something to safeguard my job security……
“Only for a While, Until I’m a Little Skinnier”
When I was eight, I stood behind the changing curtains in ballet school and overheard a group of girls in the advanced class. They were saying one of the girls shouldn’t be dancing since she was so ‘fat’ and ‘chubby’. The small thought that it could be me in her place, with my friends speaking about me that way, nagged at the back of my head. It suddenly became glaringly obvious that my ballet teachers were unusually thin. Ballet wasn’t so fun anymore after that……
“These Children Come in Needing Help – And Yet I Feel Like the One Walking Away With More to Gain”
Picture this.
You’re feeling sad. You describe it the best way you can, only for nobody to understand you. You attempt to explain yourself over and over. It’s as clear as day for you, but why doesn’t anyone else get it? You begin to get frustrated, and angry. Maybe you start shouting. Or crying – large, heaving sobs that make it harder for you to speak. At this point, people start backing away. Maybe they get mad too and yell back at you. They give up on listening. They leave. You’re alone, and feeling worse than before…